“If I could change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe. You would think my love was really something good, baby if I could change the world.” – Eric Clapton, “Change The World”
There is an unlimited number of things that I wish were true. Many of these are obvious for a young adolescent male but some are not. Here’s an insanely random list of the 40 things that I’d change if given the opportunity.
Do you ever wish…..
1 …..that Kim Kardashian was constantly waiting at the entrance to your shower, nude, so that every time you got in you could take her to the house before scrubbing yourself down? (This one has an extra clause: she wouldn’t be allowed to talk. Given her ridiculously low level of intelligence, I’d like to think that while I’m changing the world to fit my needs, I might as well clear the air of her miserable thickheaded attitude. Her rack is amazing though.)
2 …..that people would stop asking you questions for the sole purpose of telling you their own answer?
3 …..that hair would only grow in places that you asked your body to grow it? (Girls & guys can agree that our lives would be a lot easier if hair only grew like most plants: you know, when you plant them.)
See what else I’d do to make the world slightly more livable
by Simon on February 27, 2009
I thought that at the ripe old age of 5 I had found my best friend. My best friend forever. The amigo that I was going to do everything with for the rest of my life. Clearly I wasn’t as clairvoyant as I thought, because Will & I haven’t spoken since the age of 6. Why do we do this? Why do we change our minds so much about who our “best friend” is that we often find a new one month to month, perhaps even week to week? Something deep in my loins makes me think it’s because somewhere at our core we realize that the person we spend the rest of our life with truly deserves that title.
As I was slowly counted tap pulls from a keg (my absurd college replacement for sheep which actually works shockingly well) a few nights back, I was thinking about who my best friend is. In my time living away from home, I’ve made one lifelong friend that I’m sure I will keep for the remainder of my days. Where does that leave the other people that I call my best friends? The short answer is that nothing changes. This new “best friend” of mine is just someone that I have rendered worthy of this list. For now, this list means nothing because I know who those closest to me are. But one thing continues to boggle the crap out of my mind every time I come across it. How strange is it that after all these years, I still haven’t met the person that is going to be my best friend until the day I die? To follow this overwhelming thought I yawned for the last time of the night, flipped my body over to the other shoulder & wondered how those people on my best friend list (not to mention my family) would receive this stranger. What if they don’t like her? That would suck.
Have I already found my best friend forever?…..
by Simon on February 25, 2009
Save our ships. Three words that most of us get tired of hearing from people because it often sounds like a broken record. Societies sentiment is often something like this: “We all have problems, get over yourself.” Whenever I hear this overused acronym I shudder at the idea that this person who is “sendin’ out an SOS” is sinking like a stone in their world of sorrow. It’s not an easy situation to be in. As the ship slowly begins to tip over, the storm pours on the wind & the rain, as if your feelings & your mental health aren’t at stake. Unfortunately as I’m sure you’ve heard a gut-wrenching amount of times, life doesn’t give a wet slap about your problems. You know how I know that? Of course you do. I’ve been in love before.
Read more about the art of saving a lost lover….
by Simon on February 24, 2009
It was Spring Break, 2006 in Mexico. Somehow I had become close enough with a group of people in about a month span such that I was invited on this trip. It was my buddy Bubba & I & six girls from a particular sorority at our school. All of these girls had boyfriends or were just not that hot, so it wasn’t intended for Bubba & I to fuck these girls, but just to hang out & enjoy
The trip was amazing. As soon as we got off of the plane, well even before we got on, there was immense drinking & debauchery. By the time we got to my birthday, which fell in the last days of the trip, I had already had sex with one girl & received two hand jobs (At some point I really am going to need to address the insanely large & unfortunate amount of hand jobs I get).
Cole’s amazing hand job-laden Spring Break
by Cole on February 20, 2009
This is a real & (mostly) uncut conversation that we had over the internet this week. This is honesty at it’s most
outrageous.
Cole: sorry i just went & got some grub
bag and cheam
Simon: you’re a woman
but that was hilarious so ill let it go
Cole: im aware on both counts
Simon: dude before we go on you have to check this out (random hyperlink to a funny thing online)
Cole: dude
Simon: yes?
Cole: remember that thing called work that i do?
Simon: no cause you don’t do it very often
Cole: haha
Simon: i wasn’t trying to tell you to watch it now just email it to yourself or whatever
i don’t know
shut up
i should call you or something i was gone for a week
Cole: yeah i feel like you have no idea what’s going on in my life & vice versa
tell me some shit bra
Simon: i gotta go make some copies ill be back in a little while
Cole: ok ok pl ok ij ok pl ok ok ok
Simon: what the fuck was that
Cole: I don’t know just the natural expression of my being
Take a further peek into our howling vortex of sexually related conversation..
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“If I could change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe. You would think my love was really something good, baby if I could change the world.” – Eric Clapton, “Change The World”
