Beating It Is Funny

I woke up with one thought on my mind today: masturbation is funny. I don’t mean funny like it’s really strange and weird and a coincidence. (By the batshit fucking way, everyone seems to have mistaken the word funny, which means something that is worth laughing at, for coincidental which means something that happens by chance. Stop this now please.) I mean funny.

There are several reasons why I think masturbating is funny, but I think that we can all agree that it’s worth talking about. First, it’s poignant.  This is a particularly relevant subject since all of us can relate to it (meaning we all do it. Yes, we ALL do it). Second, I’m pretty goddamn sure that the idea of having sex with yourself has some merit to be warranted as hilarious. Third and finally, masturbation is the best feeling thing in the world, aside from sex. It’s still an orgasm, right? If we’re talking ecstasy here (and we should always be talking in terms of ecstasy), then fucking someone and having an orgasm is pretty high up there. As with many other things, the next best thing you can do is to do it by yourself. Sex by yourself: my favorite description of masturbation.

Boning yourself with your hand is infinitely funny when it gets in the way of actually boning someone else. I met a guy at a bar a few weeks ago who. Wait. Let’s start that sentence over again for the sake of my sexuality. One of my friends, JJ, was telling me a story about how he was seeing this girl Liz and things got sour quick. They had been on a few dates and chatted casually via text and email, but nothing had gotten past first base. One Friday afternoon, JJ went home and was feeling frisky, likely in the spirit of my Friday posts about weekend sex. (Ok fine it wasn’t in the spirit of my post but seriously this will happen someday I swear to everything that is sexual). He whipped out his computer, quickly pulled up some porn, and wailed on himself for a good ten minutes. At right around minute nine, when his wailage (definitely not a word but) had escalated significantly, his phone buzzed. After cleaning himself up, he checked his phone and realized it was Liz. Dying to see her in order to get the ball rolling, he texted her back and she was on her way before JJ knew it. Assuming she would be moving slow as a turtle as usual, JJ did not panic about the fact that he was completely devoid of sex drive.

Unfortunately, Liz was full of sex drive from the moment she walked in the house. She greeted him with a full on make out session. JJ started to panic. Before he knew it, they were in his bed, with her on the prowl to change that single status to a double, triple, or his worst nightmare: a round tripper.  As soon as possible. Flacid, sweating, and out of control with anxiety, JJ tried shoving her hands away from his midsection as much as possible. This failed miserably.

“Wait, stop,” he cried, frantically trying to halt her nutty sex drive.

“Is there something wrong?” She asked, wide eyed.

“Um, you know that problem that is not that uncommon with guys?” His eyebrows bounced.

“Yes…….”

“Well I just finished unintentionally giving myself that problem.”

See what I told you? Masturbating is fucking hysterical.

Photo Credit