Email from Lali: Paging Dr. Cole

I received this email yesterday, and I’m so glad I did!  It very much pertains to issues I have talked about in a previous post regarding the difficulties of girls and guys being just friends.

I have been best friends with this guy for about 5 years now, since high school.  We get along so well, have the same sense of humor, political opinions, views of the world, etc. etc. I’ve known that he has always liked me but for a long time I was never attracted to him and purely thought of him more as a best friend/brother figure.  I’ve dated other guys, he’s been in a serious relationship, yet all this time he has continued to make it known to me that he likes me (as in texting me that he loves me, has been in love with me for years—pretty obvious stuff).  Anyways, he broke up with his girlfriend in March and texted me immediately that he had broken up with her, almost making me think he did it just so that he could finally have a chance with me.  I still was more of the mindset that we were better off as friends and turning it into anything was just too messy.

Well long story short, curiosity got the best of me and about a month ago or so we hooked up.  I kind of then admitted to myself that maybe I really DO have feelings for him, as we do get along so well and share so many interests etc.  Anyways, we continue to kind of casually hook up but recently I’ve just felt like he is treating me like a piece of meat which hurt coming from him since we have been friends for so long.  Examples: we’ll be out at bars he will openly flirt with other girls right in front of me; or he won’t invite me out with him but then call for a ride at 2am; he’ll make comments to me about me getting with other people (like “oooh look at the guy, he’s checking you out you should go talk to him”) things like that to make me think he really “just isn’t that into me.”  However, on the flip side, he continues to text me ALL the time, talk to me online, be flirtatious, etc..  Even last week we hung out together just one on one (sober) and things were great. 

So now, I am like what the hell? He essentially led me on for years and when I finally hook up with him he starts treating me like any other girl on the street. It’s like the chase is finally over for him and now he can go about his life while keeping me around for fun.  I just didn’t expect it from him and started wondering if he even does have feelings for me, or am I just an easy hook up.  I brought it up to him a few days ago and just asked what is going on between us and told him that honestly I feel like I am being jerked around by him and its really kind of a shitty feeling.  I’d expect it from a guy I met 2 weeks ago at a bar, but not from him, my best friend.  And he explained that he isn’t trying to jerk me around at all, he’s always really liked me and he likes what has happened between us, but that he just isn’t ready to be in a relationship right now since he just got out of a pretty serious 2 year relationship. 

 I totally get that and understand he isn’t looking to be serious but at the same time I still think it’s fucked up he would think its ok to flirt with other girls in front of me and only call me at 2am for rides.  Am I wrong for thinking this?!?!  I guess I just wonder if he truly does have feelings for me and if he does, why he is still comfortable with flirting with/dating as many other girls as he can.  I’m not okay with just being his girl on the side and I’d think that if he really did like he as much as he supposedly does, he’d do everything not to fuck that up.  Your thoughts? 

At this point, I’d rather salvage our friendship and cease all romantic relations.  I don’t want him thinking he can just call me whenever yet still flirt it up (and god knows what else) with any other girl that crosses his path.  Have you been in a situation like this where there is a girl you really do like but you aren’t ready to commit to? Is it fair to me for him to just keep me around while he still goes out and lives the single life?

Your honest advice is MUCH appreciated!!

Lali, you present a very interesting situation.  Part of this is extremely straightforward, but what makes it so unusual is the previous friendship.  This email would make far more sense if you were describing the behavior of someone that you had met a month before, but not someone with whom you apparently shared so much of yourself.  But, of course, I have some thoughts!

First of all, there is a bottom line here, and although I hate this phrase due to colloquial/movie/book issues, he is just simply “not that into you”.  As we all have recently been informed, girls tend to make excuses as to why guys are acting a certain way–e.g. “He is just trying to make you jealous with those other girls he is hitting on”.  This is just simply not true.  In certain situations, yes, people try to make other people jealous, but this is not one of them. 

A person who has strong feelings for you will take steps to make you know that and to make it work.  He is not trying to do that.  He is doing the opposite.  He is trying to keep you at elbow’s length, so to speak, where he has you a little close but with things like, “You should go talk to that guy,” is keeping you far enough away.  Essentially, he cares about you, or the convenience of this situation, but not enough such that he wants a relationship with you.

The phrase, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now”, is the biggest load of shit in human existence–okay, that’s a little extreme, but it’s just a blatant lie.  Yes, we can not be making having a relationship our priority, but if the right person comes along, we will jump on it immediately.

The thing about this situation that is confusing to me is that he had spent so much of  his time leading up to this making you know how much he cares about you.  But, if he really did feel the way he says he does, the having just gotten out of a relationship thing would have absolutely no bearing on your situation.  As you said yourself, it seemed like he almost broke up with her to have a chance with you. By hooking up with him you are saying you would give it a chance, and he is basically rejecting that chance and saying he just wants you as a fuck buddy/friend, and not as a girlfriend. 

My best guess is that something about your relationship after you began hooking up changed the way he believed he felt about you.  He went from being “in love” with you, to only sort of wanting you.  When someone you are in love with finally gives you a chance, you take it and run for the goal!  You do not delay.  I just don’t think he feels that way anymore.

Maybe it’s an issue of sexual chemistry.  Maybe it’s just something very subtle.  But, I can say that if you are looking for something from him other than what he is giving you right now, don’t.  It’s probably not going to change.  I would say enjoy the friendship and don’t continue to hook up with him. 

These situations are really difficult and confusing.  But I sincerely think that there are many people out there who would appreciate us all for who we are, and Lali, do not settle!

I hope this helps, and I’m sorry if it’s a little harsh.  I just want the best for my readers!