Q:

Just something I had been thinking about.

Thanks,
Allison

A: When it comes to cheating, I’d say it’s pretty much ALL on the person who is doing the cheating. There is certainly a morsel of blame that needs to be lent to the person who decides it’s ok to hook up with someone in a monogamous relationship. But what it all boils down to in the end is that the cheater is responsible for whatever actions they take. In my experience, the person who is doing the cheating most likely would have done it with any number of other people if the first one they chose denied them for ethical reasons (ie “No, you have a boyfriend/girlfriend & therefore I feel bad so I won’t do it.”)

I have been both the person who is being cheated on & the person at the receiving end of the cheating & neither of them feels very “orange juice for breakfast” if you know what I mean. In the case of the person being cheated on, obviously your initial thought is to be enraged at the guy or girl who hooked up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. But after a few wall punches & way too many drinks, you slowly begin to realize that the they are simply not to blame. It really doesn’t matter if that guy or girl knows that the person they are hooking up with has a significant other. As far as I’m concerned, this is deductive logic: (I’m using a girl as the cheater since that’s what I experienced).

Girl A is going to cheat on Guy A with pretty much anyone who is willing to hook up with Girl A.

Guy B is willing to hook up with Girl A.

Girl A & Guy B will hook up, completing “The Cheat”.

Ok so maybe I didn’t pay enough attention in Philosophy 101 but I think you get the point. One more point of interest. When I was the person aiding in the act of cheating, I didn’t even hook up with the person who was cheating. I did, however, entertain the idea via text message & the phone. That, to me, was just as terrible as cheating. The cheater was willing to give them self up to me & it took an extremely long & drawn out process of trying to decide whether or not it was a good idea. In the end, I just couldn’t stand to be the person in the middle & we never actually hooked up. But isn’t that just as bad if not (somehow) worse than actually cheating? It just means that the cheater is willing to do it, which hurts just as much as the mental image that the person being cheated on inevitably gets when there is a physical act of infidelity. Also, I think I would have wanted to jump straight off a building if I had to constantly lie to everyone I knew about this ridiculous sneaking around.

Bottom line: cheating hurts a lot of people & it all starts with one person’s hurtful decision to be an infidel.

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Q:

Just something I had been thinking about.

Thanks,
Allison

A: To me this is just one of those questions that doesn’t really have a correct answer.  The obvious choice is that the cheat-ee is in the wrong as well for aiding and abetting someone who is doing wrong much like we would convict a person for aiding in robbery or assault or something totally heinous like murder.  The problem is that cheating is far more subjective than murder.

I think that people’s viewpoints on this subject would differ from their own subjective experiences.  I have been cheated on a few times so I would never take part in helping someone cheat; although truth be told I did before I was cheated on.  I now realize as I’m writing this that I look badly upon cheat-ees and feel disgusted by their behavior, although I once was one.

People who don’t know what it is like to be cheated on, and how badly it can hurt, probably don’t care as much.  They feel that it is the person in the relationship’s responsibility to distinguish what is right and what is wrong.  This is especially the case in circumstances where the other person is being manipulated by the person in the relationship to think that they are really in love with them and some drastic changes are coming in the near future to ensure their new togetherness where the cheat-ee is no longer the other woman or man but the woman or man.

Given that up to this point I have really not made any good argument or even answered the question really, I am going to try because the reason I am beating around the bush is that I am afraid I won’t have the right answer …  but here it goes.  I think cheating in general is wrong, and I don’t think it’s okay to be a cheat-ee either.  On the other side of the coin, I absolutely hate this ridiculous notion that especially guys have where they want to beat the ass of their girlfriends cheat-ee because I don’t think it’s the cheat-ee’s fault — it’s the cheater’s fault.

So, I guess I fall somewhere in the middle.  I don’t think being a cheat-ee is right by any means, but I also don’t think they need to accept nearly as much blame as the cheater.  I also don’t think it’s the cheat-ee’s responsibility to end the dalliance, or whatever it may be thought of as, but it could be their responsibility to not get into it in the first place — Although what if they didn’t know in the first place?  And I don’t necessarily think they need to feel guilty either, but there could certainly be reason to.  And yes, I am aware that this isn’t really the proper use of cheat-ee, I just didn’t know what else to call it.

Hope this helps!

Cole

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“Why is that like 95% of songs are about love? Why is it that when artists sit down to write tunes, the first thing that comes to mind is the emotional experiences that occur to us while we’re in love?”

She laughed when I said this, & now that enough time has passed, I understand why. She calmed me down, looked me straight in the eyes & said, “Simon. You must be kidding. You know how strong of an emotion love is. Music, for most people, is beautiful in itself. But what you say when you sing is what I imagine to be the warm, gooey covering that coats our hearts. It all just pours out of us whether we like it or not.” (Ok so if it isn’t clear yet, I am embellishing her interpretation a little bit for effect. If I was friends with people who actually talked like that….well, I just plain wouldn’t be friends with someone like that.)

Up until pretty recently, I never actually knew why it was that writing a love song was so much easier than writing a tune about oppression or war or what have you. Part of it, admittedly, is probably just that some artists know how much easier it is to sell a love song than it is one about another topic. For the most part though, it’s just easier to croon about some lost loved one because the bottom line is that when you get your heart broken, it’s hard to think about anything else. For those people in the world that have the ability to play a piano or a guitar, the magic that we call love doesn’t disappear when you play music. It gets amplified.

“I understand why people write love songs. This is what it feels like.” That’s a revelation that took me years & years of heartbreak, emotional crisis, & a few too many cold ones to figure out. The lesson, I think, is that there are far too many variables in our relationships to break them down into simple occurrences that can be generalized.

How do we cope with our problems? As comedian Dana Gould points out in the movie Super High Me, “We all self medicate. It’s just that we don’t all do it with drugs or alcohol.” We all have our means for coping during times of adversity. With love, the small crisis becomes a big one. Downpours turn into thunderstorms, fender benders evolve into ten car pile ups, & heated arguments become shouting matches.

How can we stop this obnoxious phenomenon? For starters, we can write more love songs that solve problems or focus on bigger picture lessons rather than those that tell a story or beg for sympathy. Of course, that wouldn’t really be any fun now would it?

Love is supposed to be ridiculous. It’s supposed to make you feel all giddy inside about something that (when looked at practically, of course) shouldn’t excite us any more than a good breakfast. As upset & bitter as we often become, the fact is we continue to search for love even when we have it coming from one person. Doesn’t that mean we should appreciate the love we’ve been able to give & that which we’ve received?

There’s gotta be a love song in here somewhere.

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Society as a whole looks down on strippers. You could say I don’t fall into the mold of a stripper with a rough background or history of sexual abuse. I have a degree from a top 50 college & come from a predominantly white liberal upper middle class town. One would ask why the hell I do it. Why not just bar-tend or waitress for cash to supplement an entry level 9-5er with a meager salary of 30K give or take a couple thousand?

The first reason I strip is the cash. No waiting on freelance paychecks that take weeks or even months in the mail (I still do some of that work but no longer have to rely so heavily on mailed checks that are often delayed). Sometimes I don’t make any more cash than I would at a normal cash job like cocktail waitressing. However, on nights where I make close to a thousand, I find stripping worth it.

Second, the job is extremely flexible. My club lets us come & go as we please. I can go to work late without giving much notice besides a text message to the house mom. For example, I just signed up for a Tuesday night writer’s workshop starting in July. When the class ends at 10PM, I can still go work from 11PM-4AM and I’ve never been charged the club’s alleged late fees. I also took a 10 day vacation only a month into my employment there. Sure the days off are all unpaid, but you have the freedom to be spontaneous. If someone invites you to their place on the beach for a long weekend, you can take them up on it. With bartending and especially waitressing, I’d get trapped on holiday weekends & be subjected to a firm work schedule.

Third, no micromanagement. The managers rarely ever scold us for anything. The only thing that gets a slap on the wrist is always showing up late, getting off the stage when your set is finished before your replacement shows up & leaving early without permission. Nobody is ever riding your ass. You’re totally on your own. If you feel tired and lazy, nobody cares that you aren’t making some kind of lap dance quota. If you don’t make shit on a given night it’s your problem only.

Fourth, it’s a job that’s almost impossible to mess up at. You aren’t going to be fired despite giving it your all. You have to mess up big time like steal massive amounts of cash or gain 75 pounds overnight to get fired.

Fifth, the job is fun. We get paid to drink, we play around dancing & we are essentially partying & socializing for a living. Sure, you get customers who are cheap or tedious to talk to. A lot of socially awkward guys (the regulars). But all in all, it’s not the worst gig. Not boring or mundane. Just exhausting sometimes.

Sixth, it’s a confidence booster. Not every guy thinks I’m gorgeous or his type, but I get lots of compliments & I get to dress up & do fancy makeup and wear heels that make my 5′3″ ass look a lot taller. I feel sexy at work & I honestly don’t mind the topless dancing. The dark smoky lighting is forgiving toward flaws like cellulite & in my case, overly pale skin.

Seventh, stripping makes me feel more sexually confident than I normally would. It gives you power & control over guys. When you want a guy to spend more on consecutive lap dances, you get him turned on just enough to want more, but not so much, he premature ejaculates & no longer wants to spend since he’s gotten off. It also flatters me that guys want to pay for my companionship. You get guys who want to talk your ear off without spending, but you politely excuse yourself when you are dealing with them & find a different guy who will spend more.

Eighth, for the first time since I moved to this expensive city almost 2 years ago, I’m finally saving. I’m putting several hundred & even thousands in my savings account per week. Given my patchy resume, I know going the straight & narrow work route & settling on an entry level job won’t allow me to save like I am now. I can afford to eat out a lot, treat myself to some nice things & still save a good chunk on a steady basis.

Ninth, I have trouble holding normal jobs. You can get away with a lot at my job. I’ve been fired an embarrassing number of times from regular jobs & I’ve also quit jobs where I couldn’t handle the pressure (for example, a demanding call center job that didn’t pay well, only $15 per hour, & my first job out of college, working for a psychotic emotionally abusive woman at all of $12 an hour). I’ve also been fired from so-called easy waitressing jobs. I lost one waitressing job oversleeping twice in one week (I rely on sleeping pills) & I lost another waitressing job with handwritten checks because I kept screwing up and undercharging people by accident.

Tenth, I’m a night owl. I sleep in as late as I want every day, often without setting an alarm & write, do errands during business hours, take care of doctor’s appointments without it interfering with work etc… I work from 8PM-4AM most nights & my main time window for socializing is happy hour. My roommate’s never home when I am & I get to relax and spend time to myself all day every day.

Eleventh & last, but not least, the job helps prevent writer’s bloc. I’m always meeting characters & being exposed to interesting, often seedy, aspects of New York City life & the sex industry.

-Marisa

Marisa writes her own blog about her experiences as a stripper at http://mountingandcounting.wordpress.com/

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A person I met recently said my voice reminded her of someone she knew from her past.  I asked her who it was, & she said it was a former lover. Sensing some sort of unconventionality to her, I asked what she meant by the word lover since very few people use that word seriously, & even fewer have a definition for it — I figured her’s was interesting & uniquely hers.  She said, “Well I have many lovers.  There is no structure to it.  When I see them if there is still that spark then we will be together for that small period of time & if not then we will be friendly.”

Most people view relationships in a very linear structure:

1) Alone

2) Hanging Out With Someone

3) Hooking Up With Someone

4) Seeing/Dating Someone

5) Boyfriend/Girlfriend

6) Fiance

7) Spouse.

But there are many people who have successful relationships that are not within that spectrum.

The most prevalent “alternative relationship” is an open relationship where you are boyfriend, girlfriend, or married to one person, but both parties are allowed to have sex with, & in some cases even date, other people — the rules go couple to couple.  But, there are many other ways of being in unconventional relationships, & this lover idea is one of them.

Just like there are many different religions & spiritual belief systems because not one thing works for everyone, not one relationship archetype will work for everyone, yet in the mainstream we only have one.

One of the most overused sentiments is “Be Yourself” because our society sets us up to contradict it.  But, if expressing your true self in a relationship means having many lovers, having an open relationship, or whatever else one may want to do, I think there is value in exploring it.  Although you would be going away from the mainstream, & it will never work if you find a person who isn’t on the same page, there are many like-minded individuals no matter what you feel is right for you — find those; it won’t be hard to do if you express your true self.

By no means am I trying to take away from marriage & say that it isn’t wonderful, nor am I advocating anything that is breaking the law.  I’m just saying don’t walk the beaten path if you feel like trekking through the woods would be more rewarding.

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I am offering free 30 minute sessions over the phone or skype, or in person if you’re in the Bay Area, to gain experience & feedback & build a client base.

Email cole@simonandcole.com if you’re interested.

Thanks readers!

Girls are far too concerned with what guys think about them. Not just what they think about them, but how they perceive them. Since the time of the Italian renaissance, no, the time of the cave man, it has been the woman’s job to attract a man so they can procreate & the species can live on. But guess what, this is the year 2010. We have spoken language, written word, & various other forms of communication that can help someone decide if they want to have sex with another human being. Yes, physical attraction is a part of it but girls need to realize they are MORE than something to be looked at! They are more than something that gets a free drink, makes a guy look good in front of his friends & becomes a notch on the bedpost later that night.

I’ve met far too many smart girls who are willing to disguise their intellect to look ‘better’ for a guy. I think girls need to look in the mirror & re-evaluate their situation. Both sexes need to be more honest with each other & come down to an even playing field. Nobody will get anywhere in their relationships if they feel the need to hide bits of themselves (especially something as trivial as using the restroom.)

GIRLS: Turn off the faucet! Be more comfortable in your own skin. Trust me, you’ll be fine. If a guy you are with really thinks its funny that you need to pee then you are with the most immature guy on the planet, so move on. I know how much fun it is to dress up & try to look cute for guys but you should remember how important it is to be yourself. Looking hot is just a bonus.

GUYS: You need to drop the whole ‘girls don’t poop’ mentality & man up. Us girls have put up with, & accepted, your bodily functions for generations; it’s about time you do the same. Why? Because we realize you are human & we love you anyway. What a concept. Here’s the bonus: if you make a girl feel comfortable & happy in her own skin the sex will be a blast. Mark my word.

- Marisa

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Mario’s song talks about how if some girl just let him love her he would never cheat on her & he would treat her right & give her everything [she] wants & needs. I think this feeling of wanting someone who is in a bad relationship presently & wondering why they are in it & why they can’t just give it up & realize they should be with someone like you who would treat them so well is pretty common, especially in men — but I feel like also in women, & given that Taylor Swift song about how she  should be with the quarterback instead of his current head cheerleader girlfriend … definitely with females too.

It seems so obvious.  Why the hell would someone stay in a terrible relationship where they were getting cheated on & treated terribly when they could be with you instead? — You, who would treat them so amazingly.  The reason generally has nothing to do with you at all — or the other guy or girl who is treating them like shit for that matter.  The reason is that oh-so-special girl or guy that just needs to let you love them cannot be in a “healthy relationship”.  For some reason, they are basically addicted to that person who treats them badly through the actual addiction to being treated badly in general.  So, until they learn on their own through a breaking point of all the hurt, they will never be able to let a person love them in a balanced way.

The truth is that if this person did choose to let you love them, it would end quickly.  Most of these masochistic people couldn’t deal with being treated well, they would get bored.  & furthermore, they probably just aren’t so interested in you because otherwise the little bit of them that sees being treated badly as a negative thing & wants something else would see you as a white knight.

My point? — Instead of pining over people that aren’t interested in your love & aren’t attuned enough to understand how bad the relationship they are in is & are probably never going to let them love you & you probably wouldn’t want them to love you anyway once you were with them, go ahead & keep looking for someone who has the same understanding of wants & un-wants in relationships.

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Both graduations were out of town so I spent a large amount of time in airports & on airplanes, checking out women. I do this a lot obviously but for whatever reason being hungover in an airport really makes you want to fuck pretty much anything that breathes. (To revise that in a slightly less vulgar manner, I’d probably say being hungover just makes you lonely. Period.)

When you’re a single traveler like myself, there are many things that go through your head when you see an attractive woman. First & most obvious is “I wonder if she’s single”. I can’t tell you how many hands I’ve looked at in search of a ring. That doesn’t always work but more than anything it can give you confidence. Second is “Why is she going where I’m going? This one, like number one, can be solved simply by striking up a conversation. But If I could do that without any trouble, I’d have a ring on my finger myself. The third one I constantly find myself thinking is “Wow, she is hot & if she’s single, what am I doing sitting here making up a dumb list of things I think about while in airports while looking at women?” Honestly, the last one comes up all the time & it bothers me beyond belief. I just can’t help but think she’s going somewhere to see her boyfriend. If & when she turns on her iphone just as the plane lands & starts talking like a little puppy, my suspicions have been confirmed.

Both of these weekends were spent with my parents, which compounded the interesting experience I had. They’ve been happily married for almost 30 years & to my eye, they don’t have any major issues. For the first time in my life, I actually laughed while watching them quarrel. My Dad said something hilarious about something typical that Mom does & Mom shot a witty comment right back at him. Even though I’m years (& probably a few relationships) away from having what they have, I think I’m beginning to understand it. Probably the most cliche thing that you hear during graduation ceremonies is that life is really the best teacher that you’ll ever encounter. I did a bit of relationship learning myself this weekend & it made me feel like life really was the best teacher. (Now if only I can figure out how to stop thinking that farts are so funny, I’ll have it made in terms of real life maturity).

In many cases, I’m sure these women are actually going to their second cousin’s graduations with their parents instead of going out of town to see their soon to be husbands. (Yeah right). In any case, there are three kinds of women that I want to formally congratulate in this post.

Lonely looking women that are going to see their boyfriends for the weekend: you guys keep me excited while traveling. My mind will never stop racing with the possibilities of your lives. Keep looking lonely because, well, it’s sexy.

Cute college graduates: you now look too young for me. Obviously this doesn’t apply to everyone, but holy shit. I didn’t think this day would come.

Cute girls in sun dresses that can’t stop screaming for my attention: you are easily the largest population of women that I become obsessed with for small amounts of time. I’m certainly not a unique guy in this respect but somehow I feel as though I appreciate it slightly more.

I ‘ve got three more graduations coming up & all I can say is bring on that yellow star in the sky. The more sun I see in the months of May & June, the more ridiculous fantasies I can dream up about my favorite class of women; those who daintily clad sun dresses.

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A lot of times these people will say something like, “Well I don’t wanna leave this until I have something better.”  Yeah, I get that.  It’s all fine & good that you don’t wanna just go from something that’s okay to nothing, even if the okay isn’t so great.  But have these people ever realized that being by yourself is something better? I guess not.

It’s very difficult as people to learn without experience, & usually by  making mistakes.  In relationships we need to experience things we like & also things we don’t like so we then know what we want to try & work on in our current relationship, or sadly, most of the time it’s things we need to keep in mind for our next relationship.  The problem is that it’s really hard to see objectively when you are emotionally involved in the middle of an experience.

If we are in a relationship, we may, for example, have an experience where we realize very clearly that we don’t want to be with someone who is really jealous about hanging out with ex’s because we are friends with a lot of our ex’s, but since we are so emotionally attached to the current person, we don’t actually put this into practice.  Then if this current relationship fails, & we move immediately to another relationship, there is no time to get to know ourselves & also try to synthesize the information we gathered about jealousy & whatever else in meeting & getting to know the new person.  Basically, we have jumped into something new immediately without thinking about anything we have learned.

When jumping from relationship to relationship there is just no place for learning.  There is nothing gained from relationships that didn’t work, & most of all, there is just no me time.

This inability to be alone can be an example of a complete absence of the understanding that being by yourself is good, that something better can be you.  People for some reason can’t see that being alone is good until they aren’t alone, & then in the case of serial monogamists, they never think being alone is good, they thing they need another non-alone situation.

Yet, it’s really important to have time to yourself so you can use what you learned from previous relationships, but also have time to focus on ourselves. Serial monogamists rarely keep their own goals in mind.  Everything is about how to be with another person & then when the relationship ends, they are lost.  Everyone needs time to themselves so they can have their own goals & own life & have a balance.

This imbalance is the biggest issue with serial monogamy.  If you go from relationship to relationship & never think about anything but how to be in relationship, every further relationship that you are in is completely imbalanced.  There is no sense of self, therefore there is no security, therefore you end up acting in a way that is not how you want to act in a relationship.  You never find someone that is right for you & you never find a you that is right for you.

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