Missing Someone

“I go out on a party and look for a little fun, but I find a darkened corner, cause I still miss someone.” – Johnny Cash

I woke up this morning and rolled out of bed only to find that once again I was missing someone. It wasn’t a particular face or personality or even a soul that I was missing. It’s more like a feeling, a sense of security, an every day pick me up, that one person that can lead you to believe that no matter what happens this day will be a great one. As I stood stark naked in front of my dresser, trying to decide which pair of underwear to dawn, I remembered that she liked it when I wore boxer briefs. What’s her name did too. And of course, so did she.

Weighing out the pros and cons of being single isn’t what this day is going to be about. I’ve done that far too many times and it truly doesn’t feel like anything ever gets accomplished when I do that. I remember one day in college I spent four hours in the library trying to write a paper about modern China and I easily wasted 85% of that time tormenting myself about who my next girlfriend was going to be. Aside from gouging my eyes out and getting a reach around from some 300 pound monster in prison, I can’t think of anything I’d rather do with three hours of my precious time.

No, today won’t be about looking for a cure to the sadness of missing someone. Truth be told I miss the sex every day (now delegated to myself of course), I miss the undying support (because we’re all too selfish to care for anyone but our special one), I miss the cuddling (generally leads to sex but honestly it’s fun anyhow), I miss the fighting that inevitably leads to resolve (seems like a weird fetish but sometimes it feels good to find solace post bickering). There’s no way to cure all this stuff, it sort of just goes away like any hang over or flu; time is the only cure. I remember in junior high they told us that a hot shower and a cup of coffee doesn’t make a hang over disappear and that only time could do the trick.

Let me make something brutally clear: I do not miss a particular person right now. I just miss that person that will do for me what every guy refuses to admit he loves about being in a relationship. I’m pretty sure that the only thing I miss about certain girls right now is the cute little things that she would do on a regular basis. I realize that I’m teetering on the edge of sounding a bit like a girl myself right now but I think that’s part of what this process is all about. Finding your inner chick is colosally important when you’re single because you have to think like a girl in order to get another one. It’s one of the worst double standards in our society that men aren’t allowed to act like women but the opposite is ok. How am I supposed to get another girl if I don’t come up with some flaming comment about how pretty her shoes or her eyes are?

The 100% freedom that I get as part of being a single guy is like the feeling that you get when you’re released from prison: it’s almost surreal at first how much space you get from your chains, and then after awhile you stop remembering what’s so great about it. You see, with that freedom comes a giant responsibility to take care of yourself, which smoothly transitions into the point of this whole “Boo hoo look at me I’m sad” posting. In the long run as humans, we don’t have the ability to truly take care of ourselves in a healthy manner from day to day. We literally can clean ourselves and make sure that we are acting according to society’s rules etc, but we would rather someone else keep an eye on us and it’s a helluva lot easier for us to make that person someone who we are also looking out for. For example, you wouldn’t want the person that you spend the rest of your life with to be someone who you didn’t really care for because then there wouldn’t be any mutual respect, love, or protection. It would be like having a bodyguard for a lover. (Based on my previous description of an inmate I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a few open jaws right now).

So maybe I don’t actually miss someone. In fact I’d like to distance myself as far as possible from my past relationships. That doesn’t mean I can’t miss being in those relationships when I didn’t know better.

I think I finally have it nailed down: I miss the ignorance of not knowing what’s coming. That and the sex, of course.