Subscribe
Recently, I’ve been writing all of my observations about relationships in a journal with the intention of one day compiling them into a book to rival Steve Harvey’s Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. I want to share some of these ideas so I can get feedback and maybe aide a couple people who are looking in the self-help section.
“I love you for who you are.” We hear this said a lot. I have believed it to be true without much thought. I mean, if one is aware of someone else’s problems in a relationship, isn’t it loving them for who they are simply expressed by still loving them regardless?–In theory, yes.
There is a subtle distinction, though. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought, “If (insert name here) didn’t (insert issue here) he/she would be perfect.”?–I have. Now is this really loving someone for who they are? I now don’t really think it is. You are not loving someone for who they are, you are loving someone for who you wished they were under the idea that one day they will change to become that perfect person.
I see a few problems with this hoping. One problem is that these “if” factors are rarely the type of things that change easily in people, if at all. The other problem is best explained in an example. 2: Let’s say you live a happy, fairly normal life. Say you’re in college. For the longest time you have been worried about money. You constantly think, “If I just didn’t have these money stresses my life would be so, so good.” Then you get out of college and get a good job that pays well but you still are not completely happy. You think, “If I just had a girlfriend/boyfriend my life would be so, so good.” Then you find a hot girl or guy whom you love but something still feels incomplete. You think, “If I could just be getting along better with my parents everything would be so much better.” See a pattern? The point is that you kept saying that “if” this one thing everything would be great. You saw that as the only issue and it would make everything perfect if solved. The problem is that the issue was only overshadowing other issues because it was the biggest, and life wasn’t actually perfect when it was solved. You are not loving life for what it is, but for what you hope it would be.
In the previous metaphor, life obviously represents your relationship. It is most likely that you are just addressing the biggest problem thinking that it is the only one, when in reality you just are stuck on this biggest issue. You perceive the person to be almost everything you want except for this one tiny little thing. If they didn’t do it, they would be perfect. In reality, there are probably many issues in the background.
Lastly, the “if”-ing can also cause many arguments. If you are holding someone to a standard of which they are not capable, and you are only projecting as a hope onto them, you will subconsciously be mad at them for performing the act that you don’t like when you know it is part of their personality. You are expecting them to be the perfect person you hope they are, when they aren’t. Again, it is being in love with the idea of a person and not them.
Through all of these examples, you are not loving the person for who they are, but who you wished they were, the idea of a perfect them. It is just not fair to yourself or to that person.
Do you think people will ever drop the “if” factor? I can think of so many examples (yes, especially in relationships) where we try to project our desires/needs onto the other person and if we don’t get what we want, we say “If he did_______, then I would be happier.” It sounds cheesy, but I think it has nothing to do with the other person and is largely an internal piece of you.
Awesome post
It’s hard to say if we could ever alleviate the “if factor.” People, in general, are so drawn to and fueled by hope that it’s incredibly difficult to get away from “if this…”, “if that….”.
I feel that it’s definitely true that in some cases peoples’ fears and desires/needs become projected onto others as a defense mechanism, but I don’t think it’s always that direct. If someone feels they aren’t good enough themselves that they could do better, then as a result they might say “if only…” and still hold on to the person being perfect…other than that one thing. This is less of a direct correlation but more of a related fear issue to protect themselves from failing to do better.
Awesome food for thought, when I’m already thinking on such things. I’m with Grace – when we start wanting our partner to change “just this one thing,” then are we really talking about them, or is there something we’re rationalizing when really – whatever that “if” factor is, would typically be a dealbreaker of ours?
Love this.
Cole, you’re so wise. I’ve been going through the “if” conflict for the last 4 months. It’s also that we look for “if’s” because we believe that there is something in our exterior world that will bring ever-lasting happiness to our interior world and it’s a fallacy. I want to make you hot lime ginger water and chat with you for hours.
♥
I happen to be a huge fan of hot lime ginger water.
I think it’s true that we definitely sometimes like to fill holes in our own lives with other people. It’s why the saying, “Know yourself fully before entering into a relationship,” although cliche, is true.