The ‘Stop Sending Me Naked Pictures’ Notification

“I know flirting is nothing and that should be where it ends. But I know yes I know that I want you for more than a friend.” – Aaron Barrett of Reel Big Fish, Cheer Up!

Flirting. It’s easy isn’t it? Especially when you walk into the grocery store or the coffee shop and the checker or the barista is just breathtaking. You can’t help yourself; you really want to prove how hot you think they are. It’s the easiest form of communication, especially when the opposite sex is involved. (I’m not gay and I never have been (do people evolve out (or even in!) of gayness by the way? this interests me) but I imagine the energy in the room when you see someone else who is also obviously homosexual is a million times more than the energy that heterosexuals feel, given that far fewer people are gay than straight.) I think flirting vaguely represents verbal sex. Scratch that. Flirting is verbal sex. Someone give me a high five for coining that phrase.

As a single male, I happen to be the “fall guy” when it comes to other friends setting me up with girls. Part of it is that I’m one of the only single people I know anymore. It’s not like I’m getting put into any blind date situations cause who really does that anyways but it seems like every time someone has a girl friend in town, they send them straight to me. This has caused me endless amounts of grief. Part of that, admittedly, is my openness and free will when it comes to flirting. It got me thinking though. What happens when I’m not single anymore and maybe I’m not in a full on relationship but I care about someone else? Or what happens when the flame disappears and the hook up room is pitch black, so to speak? How in the fuck am I supposed to bring that up with 1.) these girls and 2.) fuckin’……everyone? I mean, do I say it right away? Has anything changed for her since the last time I saw her? How the hell am I supposed to notify someone to stop sending me naked pictures? In my head, I see this cringe-filled moment ensuing, as she’s hitting on me and it’s starting to get more awkward than trying to hit on someone who definitely is NOT into it.

“Hey, so listen. I’m dating someone right now and I really like her.”
“Me too. Did you think this was going somewhere?”

This is my worst social nightmare. Making an assumption about what her motives are, ESPECIALLY when we’ve hooked up previously, is not weird. On the other hand, I can definitely see this happening.

I probably sound like a giant pusscake right now but honestly it’s not that ridiculous of a scenario.
Breaking up with someone, particularly when you never even dated them exclusively, is hard. I guess it’s kinda like your body weight. It’s ridiculously easy to put weight on (easy to create a sexual scenario with someone) but hard as shit to lose that same weight after you binge. Sexual binging, just like having a gut wrenching diet, is fun while it lasts but the after effects are uncomfortable.

There’s an episode of Entourage where everyone rips on Vince for never breaking up with anyone. He simply has so much casual sex that he’s technically always “sleeping with” every girl that he’s ever slept with. Unless you’re famous or you have the dong of a horse, I don’t think this is realistic. On the other hand, if you have hooked up with a lot of people in your life, the effects of this phenomenon are likely startling.

Because flirting is so easy, it often gets us into trouble. I suppose being more careful about how you flirt and when you do it and with whom is more important than quitting cold turkey. It usually means less than zero anyways. Usually.