There Must Be Something Wrong With Her

A few months back, I decided that everything and everyone is totally fucked up when it comes to dating. Obviously I could have inferred this fact at the age of seven if I had tried hard enough, but evidently Oreos, the playground, and freeze tag were far more important at the time. This moment of pure zen came when I was talking to a girl friend of mine who is a ripe 24 years old. She had just been to her brothers wedding and was the lone child in the family who was not married or engaged. She spent about twenty minutes telling me how obnoxious being at the wedding was because everyone kept saying shit like, “so where’s your boyfriend?” and “when are you getting married?” Fucking 24!!!!!! Come on now, humans. I’m no Barney Stinson, but 24 is pretty young. I guess it’s just not cool to still be single when you’re 24.

There’s one part in particular of this whole thing that makes me want to scream in people’s faces when they talk about it. Why is it that in your last year of college, it’s seen as lame to be in a serious relationship and then the year after that, having a consistent cock or vag in your life is somehow a commodity? I don’t get this at all. That’s a lie actually. I get it. But I don’t understand it. Yeah, those are different.

Socially, your college years are filled with tons of interaction both physically and mentally with all kinds of different people in all kinds of different settings. It’s like a non-stop social orgy. When you graduate, things change slightly in the realm of social interaction. That, however, doesn’t change your body’s signals. (You know like the ones that tell you to sleep with as many or as few people as possible. Also, the ones that drink heavily and do drugs and stay up way too late and throw water balloons like you’re 12.) The point is, even though our social situation has changed, that doesn’t mean that we’re done being in college. It just means we don’t go to class anymore. And, for many young people, that doesn’t even change because they never started going to class in the first place. These are the same people that somehow make it through life on the edge and love every second of it.

I just don’t get how it is that we are supposed to somehow change who we are and what we eat and drink and fuck and spend time on – just because our social situation has been altered.

All that being typed, I also would like to point out that for some reason, every time I meet a girl who is my age or older that isn’t in a serious relationship, my instinct is to believe that there is something the fuck wrong with her. Now that’s not to say that I don’t give her a chance. Every pussy deserves as much of a chance as the pussy sitting in the seat next to it. My point is that I start to meander through my imagination at the possibilities of why this girl could possibly still be single. Cute, smart, wears sexy clothing, can say the word cunt without me cringing, athletic, the whole hebang (yes, another new word. Hebang. Cause. Ya know. HE BANG.) And then it hits me like a high-speed train. I’m single. There must be something wrong with me.

Then I wake up and it’s 7:34 on Sunday morning and it’s raining outside and my head is throbbing with hangover juices and there’s one extra person in my bed. Two people, happy with who they are but dying for something new. They’re both completely fucked up from past relationships and trying desperately to erase their memories (although in many cases the previous night has already been erased by Mr. Al). They’re both happy to be single but sad that even though they obviously like the girl/guy lying next to them, it probably won’t last. They’re both frantically trying to find their underwear. They both have ridiculously full bladders.

And yet, they’re both smiling.

Cause really. When else are you gonna be able to pull shit like this?